The following is a remix of the events of the WhyNot 2005 trip where Andrei and Patrick went on a grand trip to various places in the Second world. It is a story composed of several events that were experienced on the trip, but re-arranged into a different story. The remixed events only cover the portion of the trip where Andrei and Patrick were together. The events were either experienced by ourselves, people we met, or were part of other peoples' stories that we heard whilst on the trip.
Version 1.1 c
The mid-day sun was hot – so hot that the sun seemed more like an evil oppressor than the light-giver. Wojciech was sitting down; his mind transfixed on the miniscule gaps between the paving stones in the huge city-square in front of him. A woman with shoulder-length red hair in a black coat approached.
"Hi, can I sit here" she said?
"Of course you can," replied Wojciech.
She sat down.
"My name is Wojciech, but you may call me Wojtek, what's yours?"
"I'm Maria. Pleased to meet you".
They shook hands.
"Do you know what time it is?" she said.
"One thirty".
"Aren't you going to tell me that it's time I got a watch? I'm disappointed that you didn't give that as an answer."
"That joke is so old it's not worth telling. Why don't you tell me a joke about a genie instead?"
For a minute, there was an awkward silence. Maria broke the silence by saying:
"Interesting trousers you have there. So full of stuffed pockets. Do you intend to save the universe?"
"Yes. These are my 'Save-The-Universe trousers'. So how come you're wearing a coat in such hot weather?"
"Oh that ... it's my 'toilet-coat'. It's spacious and stretches down to the ground so I can go without anyone seeing. I've been searching for ages for a suitable place to go but I just can't find one round here. I've been desperate to go for a while now, but now I feel like the urge to go has gone. I'm exhausted from all that searching so I'll sit here for a while and chill out."
Maria tried to adjust her position to a more comfortable position but despite having lived with her body for many years, she just found getting comfortable impossible. Meanwhile, Wojciech had just lit a cigarette and was taking his first drag on it. There was a light breeze that was barely strong enough to blow the smoke in the direction of Maria, but it managed.
"God, I hate smoking – it's such a filthy habit!" exclaimed Maria.
"I couldn't agree with you more. In fact, I'm a militant anti-smoker myself, but I've decided to treat myself to the pleasures of smoking while I'm away from home. I'll give up again as soon as I get back home". Said Wojciech as he took another drag. "I'm sure I can do it. My self-discipline is so good that I even boast about it with a tattoo written in Sanskrit on my back".
Maria grabbed the cigarette packet and said, "Look. The warning label clearly says 'hoa gluk slav yög miestovich ching pliesk gųrtas leviu'. I don't know what that means but I'm pretty sure that it sums up every possible reason why smoking is bad for your health".
Wojciech was giggling in response to Maria's mangled pronunciation of the warning label. He decided to change the subject. "So Maria, what do you do?"
"I'm unemployed" she replied.
"Really? You do realise that if you're not employed, you'll be mistaken for a terrorist these days?"
"Oh I don't worry about that. I hear that the anti-terrorist police are completely rubbish – whenever they're stationed anywhere, they keep being chased away by angry dinner-ladies".
"What did they do to deserve that?"
"Apparently, they never looked the dinner-ladies in the eye when they got served".
"My god. I really feel sorry for the state of our country". Said Wojciech as he finished off his cigarette.
A man in uniform appeared. It was hard to tell if he was a policeman or a soldier – there were so many different types of uniform around these days. He approached Wojciech and Maria and said:
"Excuse me. Do you two know you're sitting on our national monument? Could you please get up at once, as this is considered an insult to our nation?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't notice. I'll leave at once", said Maria.
With that, Wojciech and Maria got up.
"Never mind" said Wojciech, "I know this cave we can go to".
Wojciech led Maria towards the nearby bus stop. When they got there, the street was packed with minibuses.
"We're in luck," said Wojciech. "Surely one of those minibuses must be the one that goes to my cave."
"I don't think any of them are moving," said Maria. "And besides, that's not a queue – that's a cheering crowd".
"Let's find out what they're cheering at" Said Wojciech. With that, they headed towards the crowd.
"Excuse me" Wojciech asked someone at the back of the crowd, "What's going on here?"
"Oh this ... it's the newly established Bus Driver Wrestling Federation" said the bystander. "I don't think these busses will be going anywhere for a while – all the bus drivers have ripped each other's uniforms to shreds and they cannot drive their busses with torn uniforms".
"I don't care much for wrestling," said Maria.
"Oh never mind the bus ... let's walk" said Wojciech. "The fight is starting to look ugly – somebody's just thrown a glass."
The walk was a fair distance. Once they left the urban bustle behind, they were walking alongside some train-tracks in a quieter rural area. The railway was partially overgrown, but even so, a train would occasionally pass by. The noise and slow speed of the trains meant they had plenty of time to get off the tracks. The walk was not too far, but the air was thick with mosquitoes, and Wojciech's trousers kept falling down. He kept having to pull up his trousers. Maria saw this and said:
"'Save the Universe trousers' these may be, but 'Save your modesty trousers' they sure aren't". Then she said:
"My boyfriend uses a belt to keep his trousers from falling down".
"That reminds me, " said Maria, "I'm thinking of getting him a present to remind him of just how much I love him, but am not quite sure what to get him". Wojciech was about to suggest something when Maria continued, "I'm thinking of getting him some garlic".
Wojciech was lost for words. The strangeness of Maria's suggestion took him completely by surprise. Normally, he would have said "Whatever you say Maria" with a sigh, but had been taken off-guard, so he just ended up having this expression on his face that made him look like he had just eaten a bowl-full of chillies without realising what they were. Wojciech managed to pull himself together and say:
"Why don't you get him a book teaching him a new foreign language? He might be able to translate cigarette packet warning labels for you."
All of a sudden, it started to rain. With impeccable timing, they found a rock ledge that they quickly dashed under. It was a good thing they did – the sky burst open with rain. It was as if an entire cloud had tilted sideways and fell out of the sky. Wojciech got out a towel to dry his face. He was about to offer it to Maria when a man in uniform appeared. He stared directly and intensely into Wojciech's eyes. This made Wojciech look visibly nervous.
"I see, you've found my missing towel," he said as he snatched if from Wojciech. He too was waiting until the rain stopped. Wojciech knew better than to argue with a man in uniform, so he did nothing about it.
Maria whispered to Wojciech "I think he might be the same man who told us earlier to get off the national monument. What are the chances of that happening?"
The rain stopped. The sun reappeared. Because it was so hot, the rainwater evaporated and made it so humid that it was like being in a sauna. Wojciech and Maria moved on leaving the man in the uniform behind under the ledge.
They had covered a short distance when Maria whispered: "Wojtek. I need to go to the toilet!"
"We don't have long to go, can't you wait?"
"But Wojtek. I really need to go!" she whispered with an almost-begging look on her face.
"Ok then, I'll wait while you go".
Despite Maria using the 'toilet-coat', Wojciech decided to look away from her. He looked around him. Ahead, it was mostly a forest of pine and beech trees. Behind him, across the valley in the distance, he had a spectacular view of three power stations that were keeping the city alive by belching black smoke. Maria disappeared and then after what seemed like ages but was probably only 10 minutes she reappeared.
"It's no use," she said. "I just can't go".
They headed off to the cave again. A few minutes later...
"Wojtek. I really need to go!"
"But I thought you didn't need to go."
"I did but I couldn't. Now I think I can".
"Look, I'm not waiting around while I'm being bitten by a swarm of mosquitoes that has been following me since we entered the forest. You can catch up with me when you're done. Just keep following the railway".
Wojciech set off leaving Maria to try and do her business. He kept looking back over his shoulder to make sure Maria would catch up. He soon saw her running towards him.
"Did you go?" he said?
"No. Still can't go".
"Next time, don't forget to take off your underwear" said Wojciech playfully.
Maria had a shocked look on her face. The playful smile and slap and laughter that Wojciech expected back from Maria failed to materialise. Wojciech realised he had misjudged Maria's mood.
"Never mind ... let's just get to the cave" he said trying to push his faux pas to the side.
A few minutes later, the unmistakable sound of barking dogs was heard. This prompted Wojciech to announce that they were nearly there. The railway soon curved round a cutting in the hillside. Amongst all the vegetation that had been hidden by the hill was a rocky outcrop.
"Here it is" said Wojciech as he pointed towards a cave amongst the rocks.
Someone came down to greet them. He said.
"Welcome back Wojtek. This must be Maria".
"How did you know I was coming?" said Maria.
"Oh, the dogs told us. They make a hell of a racket barking at each other at all hours, but thanks to their 'canine conversations', everyone in the region is informed about what's going on. In fact, it's the closest the dogs have to the Internet, so we call it the 'Dog-Internet'".
"Oh, that's interesting," said Maria. "What else have the dogs told you?"
"They recently told us that Robin Cook passed away".
"Is there anything they don't know?"
"They don't know how to set their alarm-clocks".
"But they're just dogs – why would they need to know how to do that?"
"Never mind – let's just get inside".
After a brief scramble, they reached the mouth of the cave. They tried to get in, but with difficulty, as the entrance was too small.
"I knew that hiring Chinese builders to decorate the cave was a big mistake," said Wojciech as he gave Maria a helping hand.
After the initial squeeze, they were inside. They had to go down an enormous staircase until they got to an underground chamber. The walls were made out of rock salt, and had mini-sculptures carved in them. The cave was completely packed with people. Some were lying on the floor asleep. Some would have been asleep had it not been for the loud snoring sound coming from one of the people who were sleeping.
"Not to shabby, hah" said Wojciech. "If you want, the toilet's over there".
Maria looked where Wojciech had pointed, but then wished she hadn't. What she saw could best be described as a crime against hygiene.
"That? I can't possibly go there," exclaimed Maria.
"It's those pesky Chinese builders again. Can't trust them to build anything right", said Wojciech. "I hardly use it myself ... I usually find some nearby five-star hotel and sneak in and use their facilities instead. Failing that, I sometimes sneak into someone's vegetable-garden and go when nobody's looking. The others use it sometimes".
Maria was gradually exploring the cave with her eyes.
"What's that?" said Maria in surprise "It looks like the remains of a dead cat".
"Not again!" sighed Wojciech.
He approached a woman sitting in the corner of the cave cradling a baby.
"Has Damian eaten the cat again?" he asked?
The woman nodded her head.
"Could you clean it up?"
Without saying a word, the woman got up and proceeded to tidy the remains of the cat.
Maria then went up to Wojciech and whispered "Didn't you notice she was breastfeeding? I think that's very rude of you to interrupt a woman who is breastfeeding and demand her to clean up the remains of a dead cat".
"Was she? I'm not one of those guys who's constantly staring at women's chests, so I wouldn't have noticed if she was breastfeeding".
There was an awkward silence. The silence was broken by one of the denizens of the cave offering drinks of water. Wojciech and Maria joined him and a few others at a nearby table for some water. The person who offered the water poured it from a plastic bottle that looked like he had been carrying it around since birth. He first poured some water in everyone else's cup, and then poured himself water. Once everyone had their water, they raised their glasses and said:
"Na zdrowie! Į sveikatą! Priekā! Budem zdorovy! Erüül mehdiin tölöö! Gān bēi!"
This was followed by the drinking of the water. It was done in silence until a voice came from the back and said:
"Would anybody like to buy a postcard?"
The question was answered by a loud chorus of "No!" from everyone within earshot. Maria was beginning to squirm.
"I need to go, but I'm not going in 'that!" she said as she pointed to the 'toilet'.
"I know just the thing," replied Wojciech.
Wojciech grabbed hold of a bottle and poured its contents all over Maria.
"That feels a lot better," she said. What's in there?
"Aftershave. It can cure all known ailments".
"Do you want to see the lake out at the back?" asked Wojciech.
"Sure. Let's go," said Maria. "It's too cramped in here".
After a climb and a squeeze, they got outside. They climbed to the top of the hill that overlooked the cave. The lake came into view. The lake was so large that were it not for the mountains in the distance, it would have looked just like an ocean.
"What a lovely lake!" said Maria.
"Would you believe it, it's an entirely artificial lake that provides us with our drinking-water. Thanks to an ingenious filtration system consisting entirely of natural plants, the water's safe to drink."
"That ... lake ... is ... huge!" gasped Maria.
"Believe it or not, the entire lake was man-made. The lake was excavated, the plants put in place, and then the lake was filled with water."
"But it must have taken ages to build."
"I was lucky. I met a passing bunch of travellers from Kyrgyzstan. They were kind enough to excavate the lake and plant the plants and provide all the resources I needed free of charge. They expected nothing in return. I couldn't even thank them because we couldn't speak each other's languages".
"Wow!"
Wojciech noticed that Maria was still wearing her toilet-coat.
"You look sweaty, said Wojciech. "Now that you don't need to go anymore, you could take off the coat – it's scorching".
"Thanks for reminding me" said Maria as she took off her coat "I tend not to listen to my body anymore, so had it not been for you, I'd have collapsed from heat-exhaustion".
With the coat off and the urge to go to the toilet gone, Maria all of a sudden had a new burst of energy about her.
"Do you fancy going skinny-dipping?" She asked.
Taken back by Maria's sudden forwardness and overlooking of previous fauxes passes, Wojciech compressed his thoughts in a single word. "Ok" he replied to Maria.
With that, they scrambled down to the lakeshore, took off all their clothes, and immediately charged into the lake. The coldness of the lake was sharp. All they could do to keep warm was to splash water all over themselves.
"That's bull-cold!!!" they both exclaimed together.
All of a sudden, Wojciech remembered something.
"Do you mind if I take a picture of both of us together in the lake?" he asked. "I want to cover my wall with pictures of myself posing with all the girls I've been skinny-dipping with, and would love to add you to my collection. They would look good next to a photocopy of a guidebook recommendation of this lake."
"Is this really necessary" she responded?
"I think you'd be a fine addition to the collection"
"Oh go on then".
Wojciech swam back to the shore and rummaged through his pile of clothes. He pulled out a camera, placed it on a stone and pointed it to where Maria was standing, and set the automatic timer. With that, he quickly swam back to Maria and stood next to her. They had enough time to compose their smiles before the camera made a flash.
"There ... that wasn't so painful" said Wojciech as he started to swim. Maria looked at Wojciech's feet and said:
"Wojtek, you've still got your socks on."
"My feet were underwater anyway, so I doubt they'll be visible on the photo."
"Can I keep a copy of the picture too?" asked Maria.
"Sure thing" said Wojciech. "If you know how to use FTP, you can download it off my FTP-server."
"I don't know how to use FTP," said Maria. "Couldn't you send it as an MMS to my mobile?"
All of a sudden, a middle-aged Australian man popped his head out from underneath the water.
"Back in the 80's, we had to have our photos developed and sent by post".
Maria and Wojciech immediately manoeuvred their arms to cover up their nakedness at great speed.
"Hey, who are you?" Said Wojciech in surprise.
"Back in the 80's, I was called 'Long John Johnson', but now, I'm just known as 'Bruce Johnson'". He said.
"What are you doing here?" asked Maria.
"Back in the 80's, I needed to do my shopping, but my mind got distracted so I went on a big adventure instead".
"But how did you get here?"
"Back in the 80's, I managed to get past the electric fence, climb over the steep icy slope and cross the strong-flowing streams with just my sandals on my feet ... and since then, I've been stuck here doing nothing but reminisce".
"So how come you've been lost for so long?" asked Wojciech.
"Back in the 80's, I got a map that was upside down and it was so confusing that I just couldn't figure it out."
Maria was starting to feel bored. She moved her hand to hide her impending yawn, but in doing so, exposed her chest. Bruce was immediately distracted by the spectacle and excitedly exclaimed:
"Back in the 80's..." but before he could finish, Maria suddenly karate-kicked him just in front of the face. The kick did not touch the face, but Bruce was so shocked that he immediately swam away at great speed.
"Don't you think you overreacted? That had all the subtlety of Mongolian horse-psychiatry," said Wojciech.
"I'm sorry, but his inability to think of any other way of starting a sentence really got to me".
"Oh well, at least you got rid of him."
By now, they had gotten used to the temperature. The frantic splashing gave way to a more relaxed swim. Maria was standing up in the water looking at the sun setting behind the hill. The water came up to the small of her back. Wojciech had all of a sudden realised just how beautiful Maria was. He thought about moving in to get a closer look, or hope that the water level would drop sufficiently to see what was obscured by the murky water. He was secretly hoping that a band of gorillas would come along, pull straws from their fur and start drinking the lake to such an extent that the water level would be lowered enough to reveal Maria's bottom-half. In fact, Wojciech could see a band of gorillas in the hills, but all they were doing was leaning against a fence and occasionally fighting each other.
"These gorillas are useless" though Wojciech to himself. He was about to start swimming closer to the other side of Maria, when all of a sudden; he noticed a dark orange glow behind him. He sighed, turned around and said "Oh, not you again!" In front of him stood an orange angel.
"So, you were about to stare at Maria, weren't you?"
"But ... but ... but ..." stammered Wojciech.
"Skinny-dipping is about being one with nature, not about staring at other peoples' nakedness," said the angel.
"I wasn't going to do that," protested Wojciech. "I was just manoeuvring myself so I could see the magnificent sunset"
"I know you too well, so don't pretend I cannot read your thoughts."
"Very well, you win." sighed Wojciech.
With that, the orange angel disappeared into an orange cloud which itself disappeared in a puff of smoke. He heard Maria's voice behind him.
"Wojtek, you're talking to yourself. That's a sign of insanity you know".
Wojciech remembered that only he could see and hear the orange angel. He didn't think Maria would believe him if he said he was talking to an invisible orange angel.
"I'm not." he replied, "I was just lost in thought".
By now, the sun had set. The sky was clear and it was filled with stars, although for reasons unknown, the moon was absent.
"Look, I think I'd better go home now," said Maria.
"Maybe we could meet again sometime soon," said Wojciech.
"Perhaps we could," said Maria.
"Do you fancy going out for a Chinese sometime?" he asked. "I can teach you how to carve your chopsticks so they become nice and pointy" he added.
"I'm sorry – I don't eat, I'm a Breathetarian" was the reply. "I get all my nutrients just from breathing and staring at the sun".
"Couldn't you give up your Breathetarianism just for one night. I know this skip round the back of a Chinese restaurant..."
Maria interrupted him and said:
"You're a Skipitarian? How disgusting!"
"That's right," replied Wojciech.
"Jesus! Even the thought of Skipitarianism just makes me sick! I really must be off now. It was nice meeting you but I have to go and wash my hair."
With that, they both swam back to the shore, dried themselves, put their clothes back on and headed their separate ways – all whilst awkwardly trying not to look at each other.
The end.
Remix by Andrei